rented family

You want to know how I feel??!!! You want to know that I have any number of names running through my head about you.

It’s going to take a long time for me to get over this. I have spent the last hour of my free time being heartbroken and upset with you.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful time. The kids and I had a fun time. You announced that “Sherry was going to have some free time while Auntie and I take you to a grown-up and kid festival”. I was really touched. I really was excited about that time to mentally rest and mentally challenge myself with my goals and my aspirations. Really. That was a terrific way to give back.

Then, while rushing to breakfast, you had a fenderbender...it happens to all of us. You were pissed and upset with yourself. It broke your “record that you were proud of”. I can appreciate that...that sucks. So, we wandered around downtown Campbell and found some good food that you’d love. Awesome, you finally got a meal that you really could enjoy and certainly was food that you finally could eat. You didn’t eat near enough yesterday to balance the 11.4 miles you ran yesterday. I was super happy for you that you could find that. We sat there and people-watched and it was nice. Then we had to go get the kids. We had to wait, you looked in the window. I chose to sitdown and check my phone. That is NOT ADD. I have ADD, yes, I do. You are living with someone who has ADD. But, that does NOT give you the right to constantly pin everything on that. Constantly make me feel horrible for things that many times are not “ADD behavior” but rather just me being an individual looking into something that I care about. We are individuals. I do have different interests and excitements. You run, you talk about running, you talk about how you feel after runs, the good/bad. You talk about what you need to do to take care of your body with running. All of that is FINE. I’m excited for you. That is YOUR passion. I will never and have never faulted you for that. And, you certainly are NOT all “into me and thinking about me” at all times. You are running and enjoying your running. That is amazing. I’m happy for you. And, you know what I don’t fault you for that because we are two people who have separate needs coming into a relationship where we share a crossover of our same needs.

So, you decided to make my looking at my phone into something. Was it the end of the universe? Was an arm falling off? Is your world really rocked by not having my attention on you during the 30 seconds that I checked my phone? I can tell you this...I may not have relationships in my past, but I am a fucking intelligent woman and I watch LOTS of relationships. And, there is NOT a single one that I have seen where either person in the relationship would freak out if I were looking at my phone every once in a while or had my head elsewhere at times or didn’t focus entirely on them or the family. Not a SINGLE one. You jumping all over me on Friday about being “ADD for the last 3 days” was bullshit. I was just going through my days. I was taking care of you and loving you. I was taking care of my work to the best of my abilities. I was caring for our kids to the best of my ability. I was not ALL ADD. That is just bullshit. I am a terrific partner, a good worker, a good parent, and a great member of this family.

So, then we get to the “family” part. You want to know how I feel right this very minute???!!! I feel fucking alone and fucking stupid to have chosen to live my life and love a person who will never let me feel like a true member of this family. I chose to be with a person who when she feels I have not “paid enough attention or been absorbed enough” in her or the family in the way she wants or needs that she chooses to announce that I will be ALONE and that you will leave with “MY KIDS” and you won’t see MY KIDS and that you won’t have MY FAMILY to be with. Then you proceed to use the kids...come out of church and grab them up and keep them absorbed in you. I walk with one of the children and you bitterly announce that I needed to WALK BACK HERE WITH MY DAUGHTER. That I shouldn’t do anything or I’ll be sorry because you and your kids will be GONE so fast. You know what....that is fucking bullshit.

One second I am a part of the family...included and loved and will always be there. And if at any time you’re not happy with how I’m doing in life or you don’t feel loved enough by me then that supposed “family” that I was a part of is not really mine. It’s not really something that we share. It’s YOUR FAMILY and you just rent it out to me, you want me to take really good care of it, love it a whole big bunch and give my heart and soul to it, but you know what, you’re just a renter...if I don’t like you at anytime, I’ll threaten to evict you. Well, I’ve BOUGHT into this family. I didn’t rent one...I didn’t sign up for that. So, if that is what you are going to continue to offer for the rest of our life, then I’m going to have to sell the share that I bought now. Because I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS.

You’ve gone on and on and on about how grateful you are that I’ve given you “the gift” as you called it last night of time to run and be “free”. Well, you know what you gave me today, you gave me sadness, you’ve made me feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life. So, I hope you’re happy.

I will not apologize for the iPhone. It’s not about the jeans. I will not apologize about ADD. I have it, I deal with it and I despite or because I have it am a TERRIFIC PARTNER to you. You may not have ADD, but you have plenty of other beautiful quirks that I live with...being awakened many many nights because you’re afraid. Needing me to come upstairs when I’m reading and taking on my challenge because you need me next to you when I sleep. As you constantly say, “my life is ruled by ADD”. Well, that’s the deal. That’s what we signed up for. That’s what I signed up for. Maybe you should consider that. I cope with my mental health and the medication/therapy that comes with that on a consistent basis. I’m doing my very best day in and day out to be a healthy individual and a good partner to you. I think that should be enough. If I’m going to end up living with an iPhone...well, I guess that’s okay because I bought it...just like I bought into being a part of this family. But, I know the iPhone won’t be taken away....